Her Name is Sheila

Anxiety’s back! In full swing baby (not to start this off on too cheerful a note).

Woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach - a large, persistent, pounding knot. Not one you feel and say, “Oh, howdy there! You’re not too troublesome, just stay as long as you need.” No. A full on, heart-pounding, stomach lurching over and over like you’re on an infinite roller-coaster dive, knot. But, I couldn’t think of what to do about said affliction, so I began my morning. Did some yoga, took a hot shower, and ate a delicious homemade breakfast. Once again, I checked, looking for stability and calm in my mental health…nope, knotta (bud-dum-tis). Eventually, I gave up hope in diagnosing this worry ball at all, and decided to take the anxious albatross with me on today’s walkabout.

And what a day I had planned - this was to be my first big outing! Wind was active, in every single direction, but the rain was gone and clouds didn’t hang in the air menacingly. Instead the clouds floated in and out of the day, giving way to a few rays of sun now and then. Seemed promising, but the anxiety was still ever-present.

I started off returning to a park I’d only glimpsed yesterday. I walked through its central greenery with purpose. It wasn’t large by any means, but the occasional bench was inviting me to come back another day and sketch; there were plenty of pups running through, more eager to chase balls than to ask for pats; children were playing on a swing set or slide, jumping in and out of obstacles on their way through the park and off to class. It was picturesque to say the least. The ball was there, every step of the way to enjoy as well.

Next was a train station to buy the long awaited oyster card. Won’t lie, yesterday I had so much anxiety about riding the tube and finding my way around the stations that I must’ve watched a dozen videos on London’s underground. Very informative, very anal retentive of me, 10/10 would recommend. So I traipsed through the overground station stop near me and I bought an Oyster card for public transportation needs. I then promptly, without hesitation and fully aware of the hilarity of the situation, left the station and walked to all of my stops the rest of the day. One step at a time, knot mocking me from within.

Next was the Hackney museum - the first museum on my arbitrary list of 50 to see whilst here. It was small, intimate and lovely. On weekdays, the Hackney museum hosts many school children, so it can be quite noisy. But the museum is very transparent about this online and I was prepared with noise canceling earbuds in hand. I’m notoriously slow at getting through museums, so even this single large room of Hackney celebrities and history took about an hour and a half for me to get through. The history was for a small portion of London, but in no way insignificant. The museum was playful (I see why the kids like it), informative and light. A true gem, with a visit from me and my stomach malady.

I weaved through a few busy streets to find my next destination not too far - the Burberry outlet. Might sound silly, but this store was a must from the moment I found out it was within walking distance of my Airbnb. I spent mere moments there, for the price tag was still far from my reach, but it was large, fabulous and housed all the things that I love to ogle over. As I looked, my stomach churned, and so we moved on.

What was to be my final stop of the afternoon ended up a bit of a disappointment. I meant to visit the first of my 111 bars today! The Garden Bar wasn’t far from the Burberry outlet and I was very excited to see that the sun was peeking out just as I was about to stroll through what sounded like an oasis of foliage. However, I arrived an hour before open (despite the website's promises) and the staff was none too pleased. I was starving, and saw no hope of waiting the hour out and my queasy anxiety only made matters worse.

I returned home, consumed with my inability to remove my anxiety. I arrived to find that I was tired, famished, not nearly as happy with the day's progress as I should have been, and absolutely haunted by the same anxiety I’d left with.

I took my anxiety on a late lunch date, to ease the hunger who’d joined us along the way. I read a book in a lone booth, drank a latte I didn’t need and stuffed myself with an exquisite pizza. But anxiety was still there. In the midst of all this journeying and discovery, all I could palpably feel was discomfort. Discomfort at eating alone in public for the first time in years. The discomfort at irritating a waitstaff at a closed bar by accidentally entering an open and inviting door. The discomfort of walking into an expensive store, knowing full well I’d be leaving empty-handed. The discomfort of being seen as leaving this way. The discomfort of being in the way of children running through a museum without a care and being in the way of the parents chasing them. The discomfort of walking through a park with my maps out, staring at a screen and sussing out directions as opposed to living in the moment.

All of this discomfort built on what I was already carrying and followed me throughout the day like a shadow in a desert. And, unfortunately, I let it get to me. I came home today as the sun set at 4pm, having done a good day's exploration and feeling completely unimpressed with myself. It wasn’t until journaling that I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of. I should be proud. At least excited at all the knowledge I’ve gained.

I guess that’s what this blog is here for, right?

So here’s what I’ll do, for myself. First, I’m going to name my anxiety - Sheila. That way, as I take her with me through my travels, as I am like to do, I’ll be able to welcome her like a friend as opposed to the creepy stalky stranger she felt to be today. Next, I’m just going to spell-out what I’m excited for, use it as a montra for the everyday disquiet, like Aria did with her list of names in Game of Thrones (admittedly a bleak example, but I stand by it).

I’m comforted by the idea of making daily sketches of all the beautiful London doors and archways I find throughout my stay. I’m comforted by the Saturday boxing classes I signed up for and the Wednesday Dungeons & Dragons group I already found! I’m comforted by the thought that I have as many days as I want to explore the British Museum, get lost in time, and bring it all home with me. I’m comforted by the virtual date nights with my partner that are coming up.

I do feel better, if not a bit silly that these are my emotions right now. But a little patience and some kindness with myself will go a long way. The anxiety isn’t going to be what I remember when I look back on London, it’s just what I feel right now.

Cheers.

e